There are many special days that we celebrate and remember for one reason or another: holidays, birthdays, graduations, and anniversaries, among many others. Most of the time these are joyous events that people celebrate with friends and family, getting together and partaking in dinner, drinks, parties, or whatever best fits the occasion.
Then there are the days that we remember where a different kind of celebration is appropriate: the celebration and remembrance of a life that is no more. These are usually commemorated in a manner that is more personal and quiet than a lavish party or social get-together. Instead they are a time where those that have lost someone spend a few moments with their own thoughts and emotions, sorting through the memories and reminiscing about all the good times that were had with the deceased. It could be a different kind of joyous day for someone, full of happy thoughts and laughter; or it can be a grueling time where it seems that the daytime hours drag on forever and ever, never seeming to end. Depending on where someone is in their grief journey, or where they are on that particular day, determines how the memories effect them.
Today is one of those days for us. One year ago we lost our precious baby boy, our first born son, Luke. I was dreading this day all year. As it approached I wondered, on what side of the memory spectrum would I fall once August 3rd arrived? Would it be a day where I could sit with my thoughts and smile with the memories of my angel? Or would I stay in bed with the covers over my head, tearfully waiting it out?
Then August 3rd arrived…and I did not completely fall apart. I woke up and went about my day like “normal” (there’s that word again). However, today still feels different. Every minute of today was spent with my thoughts going back to what we were doing last year at that same minute. I would think, “Last year we were getting the echo at this time and laughing about how calm Luke was…We were looking at the falling heart rate at this minute…This is the minute where Dr. Suresh and Jennifer were coming into the room to see what was happening with his stats…and now this is the minute that they got the crash cart…This is the minute…” and so on and so on.
It made me sad and my heart hurt, but I was not hopelessly debilitated like I had feared. I was not thrown back into the dark, lonely world of despair that was August 3rd, 2015. Instead I felt that I walked around today in a state of awareness. I was aware of my grief and my sorrow, I was aware of where we were last year and how much things have changed, but I handled it in stride. I did not crumble and fall.
So much has happened in this past year and it has been so hard to have had to do it without Luke. I find myself always thinking about what he would have done, what he would have looked like, what he would have been saying, how he would have reacted to the arrival of a little sister, etc. The list goes on and one. Every time I look at Evelyn I can’t help but see Luke in her face and then I think about how they would have been together. One day we will be telling her all about her big brother and how strong he was while on Earth and how he is always watching over her in Heaven.
I feel that this past year I have discovered more about myself than I ever knew. I learned that I am strong and can move forward. I thought that when I had crossed the threshold of sadness and sorrow into the dark world where most things no longer mattered, that I would never return; but as the year went on, I began to realize that I would not be stuck there forever. I have come to the conclusion that my life is now in a perpetual state of healing, though it might be with a giant, emotional band-aid because I will never be fully restored to the same person that I was before Luke passed. I also have come to the conclusion that God doesn’t want me to be that same person. I am meant to hurt and heal, to experience loss and find purpose again.
This is a shorter post today and not as organized and focused as I usually am, but I wanted to make sure to write something because I did not want this day to come and go without commemorating my little boy on his blog. So, here are some of the happy memories that I chose to think about today:
Today I choose to remember the good times we had with Luke in his short life. As each minute passed today, I remembered Luke and that is what he would have wanted, I think. Luke would have liked this.
babylukeblog 